Golden years
gold
whop whop whop
don't let me hear you say
life's taking you nowhere
angel
come, get up, my baby
look at the sky, life's begun
the nights are warm, and the days are young
come, get up, my baby
there's my baby, lost, that's all
once I'm beggin' you
save her little soul
golden years
gold
whop whop whop
come, get up, my baby
last night, they loved you
opening doors and pulling some strings
angel
come, get up, my baby
in walked luck, and you looked in time
never look back
walk tall, act fine
come, get up, my baby
I'll stick with you, baby
for a thousand years
nothing's gonna touch you
in these golden years
golden years
gold
whop whop whop
come, get up, my baby
run for the shadows
in these golden years
some of these days, and it won't be long
gonna drive back down where you once belonged
in the back of a dream car, 20-foot long
don't cry, my sweet
don't break my heart
doin' all right, but you gotta get smart
wish upon wish upon day upon day
I believe, o lord
I believe all the way
look at my baby, lost, that's all
once I'm beggin' you
save her little soul
don't lose it.
Get up, my baby
run for the shadows
in these golden years
come, get up, my baby
your work study is in the housing office.
6-year medical program...
biology, organic chemistry...
full academic scholarship?
Yeah.
I want to keep focused on my career track.
OK, but this is a lot of credits.
Be sure you don't fall behind.
I think I can handle it.
I'll stick with you, baby
for a thousand years
nothing's gonna touch you
in these golden years
[dance music playing]
Boy: I don't know what to tell you.
Dudes.
It didn't go as far as I thought.
Stop!
Hi.
Hey.
[Different music playing]
Boy: Why are you going through my stuff?
Ma, why are you putting the flannel sheets on?
It's September. You want me to sweat my ass off?
[Music stops]
[Hammering]
What do you want?
You must be one of my roommates.
I'm Josh. The single's mine.
I called it.
That seems fair.
Oh, sorry.
Girl: So, anyway... God, I'm starving.
Girl: Me, too.
Girl: He lets you out early every class.
Girl: Really?
Mm-hmm.
[Bong bubbling]
[Person inhales]
Huh?
Hola.
What are you doing?
Oh. Hey, you must be Josh.
Listen, I'm sorry...
[man inhales]
Are you guys getting stoned again?
Man!
That is classic!
Take these. We would've been here sooner,
but these guys kept stopping off for snacks.
Hey, Cooper,
you were the one who had the munchies.
Ha ha ha ha!
We should've never have gotten high in Boston!
Oh, man, that was great.
Man: Light up another one, man.
Ohh.
Yeah. Hmm.
Josh...
Where do you think we should put the bong?
In the closet?
No. This is a showcase bong.
Take a look at it, huh?
Hey, do you want a hit?
Uh...
No.
I just brushed my teeth.
Josh, you're not going to bed, are you?
Actually, yeah. I got to get up early tomorrow.
Shit. I just met these people downstairs,
and I told them to come up for a few drinks.
But you know what? They're right outside.
I'll get rid of them.
No, no, it's OK.
Really?
Are you sure? Because I can tell them to get lost.
No. It's cool. I...
let me put on some pants.
All right.
Hey, guys, come on in.
Hey, this is Josh. This is my new roommate.
Josh, say hello, huh?
What's going on, guys? How you doing? All right?
Good to see you again.
[Rock music playing]
Who wants some drinks?
What's going on? Over there, guys.
Over there.
Yeah. This is a party.
Show me the muff.
Pass those out. There you go.
Boy: What the fuck?
Turn that shit off!
[Turns off music] Hey, buddy.
You must be Kyle.
I'm Cooper.
I'm not your buddy...
Buddy.
OK.
Oh, look at that.
I see you like girls.
You must be the product of an all boys school.
Catholic all boys school.
Cath... holy Mary, mother of god.
You're so horny you've turned mean.
You keep that music off,
asshole,
or I'm going to bash your fucking head in!
Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.
[Laughs]
You're being an asshole.
Now, you go around bashing people's heads in,
girls aren't going to think you're cool.
They're going to think you're a steroid freak
with a pixie dick and an ass for a brain.
Really?
Heh heh.
Everybody, this is Kyle.
Give him a beer. Come on, let's start the music.
Let's go. Let's get this party started, huh?
Cooper: All right, where were we?
Martinis, huh?
All right. Incoming.
Hey.
Hey, I'm pickle.
I just thought you could use these things.
Oh, your name's pickle, huh?
What'd you do, knock off an appliance store?
I had some stuff shipped here.
It kind of reminds me of home, you know?
That blender reminds you of home?
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
[Laughs]
Martinis!
What is that?
That's a math award.
Looks like a dildo.
Hey, Zeke, look. It's a dildo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
Hey...
Here's your dildo.
Thanks.
Ohh.
So, Josh...
Tell me about yourself.
I don't know. Uh...
I'm from Indiana,
and I'm in the 6-year medical program.
So you, like, studied in high school?
Wow, that's cool.
You know, I had a couple of friends who did that.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, she's nice.
Good choice. Go talk to her.
I don't think so.
Why? What are you going to do?
Sit in bed until she goes home with somebody else?
Yeah. I'm in my underwear.
So what? Josh, you don't need to get dressed.
You know what? I'll bring her over.
No, no, no.
What?
Do you want me to go get you some pants?
Yeah. Would you?
Ahh.
That's Rachel gilmore.
She's from New York,
and she likes creative writing.
How'd you know that?
Freshman face book.
I'm just, like, ptoof!
Jacking off to that thing for, like, 3 weeks.
[Snorts]
Oh.
This is my brother's ritalin.
Ritalin's good for studying math or science.
Just don't try to write English papers on it,
because it won't make any sense.
Enjoy them.
This is my mom's diet pills...
lovely for pulling all-nighters
and foreign languages.
Girl: Hey, Jennifer,
come here.
[Exhales]
Nice cross.
Thanks.
Are you catholic?
Yeah.
I went to sacred heart school for girls.
I love you.
Why, hello, ladies.
We haven't met.
I'm Cooper. This is Josh.
Hi.
Do you guys go to daleman?
It's their room, Lucy.
Yeah?
I'm Lucy, and these are my homegirls.
Right, Kristin?
Isn't that what they say where you're from?
What do you mean, "where I'm from"?
Oh, you know, the 'hood.
Lucy, we need to have a little talk.
Ahem.
Well, talk.
Uh, hey, um...
Hi.
You must be Rachel.
Yeah, yeah. How did you know?
Oh, it's in the face book.
Oh, you memorized the face book?
No. My roommate did.
He was Jack... a-lackin'...
He was Jack-a-lackin' around to it.
He was what?
Um...
Heh heh heh. Never mind.
Rachel, come on.
Uh, just a second.
I got to go. Um...
So, I'll see you around maybe.
Oh, yeah. No, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. No.
I mean, yeah.
Yes.
I'll see each other around.
OK. Ha ha!
All right. So, bye.
Rachel.
Josh.
Bye.
[Sighs]
Oh, yeah, that was smooth.
You'll have to give us some pointers.
You're the shit, man.
[Laughs]
[Alarm buzzing]
[Alarm stops]
Cooper?
My arm's asleep.
Ow!
Ohh! Oh, my god, are you OK?
Hey, Josh.
Hi.
Ohh.
Sorry.
This is not high school biology, OK, people?
We won't be bringing in ferns
for show and tell.
If you bring in chocolate, then we are in business.
It is imperative you do the required reading,
or you shall be lost.
It is imperative you hang on my every word,
or you shall be lost.
It is imperative you buy my book,
organic chemistry... the impossible discipline
by s.F. Collins, who is I,
or you shall be so lost,
you'll never be found again.
This is the first class, isn't it?
This is an advanced anatomy lab.
We will be spending the majority of our time
dissecting a human cadaver.
Say hello to Bob. [Gasps]
Let's open Bob up, shall we?
Your job at the housing office
is to process housing transfer requests.
Don't answer the phone. Don't study at work.
Don't annoy me.
That's it.
Cooper: Josh.
Help.
I need water.
Cooper: Uhh. Water.
Water.
Uhh.
Swallow.
Ahh.
So, kind of a late night last night, huh?
Oh.
Pammy.
I thought I dreamt her.
Isn't college great?
This can't be the right answer.
There are too many variables in this equation.
Hey, Josh, do you have it?
Uh...
Yeah.
Negative 4.
[Students giggle]
Well, that would be correct, Josh,
if we were still on binomials.
[Laughter]
I got to clean my bong,
'cause I can't mix the kind with the shwag.
Where's my pipe cleaner?
I don't know. I'm studying.
Well, Josh,
I think it's time for a study break.
No, thank you, really.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, man.
Sorry. Sorry. Here.
Hey, that's my sweater.
What? Look, I'm picking it up.
Oh, man.
Now everything smells like bong water.
Hey.
I'm just going to pack up some of my things,
because I'm going to be staying at Kelly's place
for a while.
Is it cool if I use your room for bonging? 'Cause...
no! It's not cool.
While I'm gone, don't fuck with my stuff!
Easy, killer.
Remember what I told you?
Yeah.
Don't fuck with my stuff...
Please.
[Laughs]
[Loud scratching]
Look, Cooper, could you do that someplace else?
Listen, I'm here on an academic scholarship,
and I'm serious when I say I got to study.
And I can't do it when you're distracting me
every 2 seconds.
[Scratches]
You know what?
I'm serious when I tell you I need to clean my bong,
and I can't do it with you chewing me out
every 2 seconds.
I'm going in pickle's room,
in case you want to catch a beer later.
[Machine beeps]
Hey, Josh, how's it going?
Oh, man, I got a long night ahead of me.
How you doing?
Oh, I'm all right. I got a rash on my balls.
Hey.
[Playing video game]
Look...
I know we're different,
but we just got to figure out a way
that we can share the room,
and then I can study,
and you can do whatever the hell it is that you do.
Right. Yeah.
I mean, that's cool.
Cooper: Ohh. Ohh.
Oh, really?
Mmm.
Take this off.
Mmm. Mmm, mmm.
Oh, yeah. Take this off.
Take it off.
I want to take yours off.
Take it off.
You take yours off under the sheets.
Oh, yes.
Oh!
Be gentle. It's my first time.
Pull on my lobes when you do that.
Oh, you have great instincts.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about your roommate?
Oh, don't worry.
He likes to watch.
Oh.
Well, Josh, so nice of you to join us.
I'm sorry. I...
M...
sorry.
No, mom, the work is fine.
I'm a little nervous,
because midterms are in 3 weeks.
Mom: Uh-huh.
But, yeah, everything's great.
Are you sure, honey?
Yeah. Really. Super.
Can you hold on a second?
Hello?
Cooper: Josh, it's me.
Listen, I'm heading over to the lucky peach,
and there's 3 girls waiting for me,
but I can't think of any girlie things to say,
so I need some backup.
Don't say no.
No, Cooper.
If I was some boring old professor,
you wouldn't say no.
Out. You're a pawn, Josh.
Stick it to the man.
The revolution will not be televised.
Bye.
Hi, mom?
Yeah, that was Cooper,
and he said that he wanted me to meet him
at the library,
so...
I'll talk to you later, OK?
Mom: All right. I love you.
OK. I love you, too.
Bye.
I never doubted you for a second.
One drink. One drink.
Then I got to get back.
Then you got to get back.
OK.
Now, try to be charming, Josh.
And don't talk about studying,
because, believe me, it's a turnoff.
[Rock music playing]
Yep. This is a bar.
Cooper, I got to go.
No, no, no, I should be headed back.
Hey, Josh.
Hey. Hey.
Where have you guys been?
We've been getting drunk without you.
Come on.
You were right. We really should head back.
No.
I changed my mind.
Hey, Cooper!
Cooper...
We finished the pitcher.
We need more beer.
So, how's everything going?
What, with me?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, awesome.
Yeah. Yeah.
If I didn't have all this hellish work
every friggin' second...
I should be home.
No. I know, I know.
I should be home working on my story
for my writing class, so...
Here you go.
Uh-huh.
Are you one of them daleman kids?
No, no. I'm a townie.
Yeah, I work at the refinery, factory, mill.
What's that on your shirt?
What?
Let's see an I.D.
There you go.
It's a bullshit I.D.
You know what? You're right.
This is not my real I.D. This is my real one.
"Dr. Mohammed rashid"?
How about this one? This one?
Nah. No, no.
This one? This one?
Just take your beer. Take your beer.
It's for the guys at the mill.
Yeah.
So, what's your story about?
It's about this girl, and she's from New York,
kind of like me,
and she has a crush on this guy who goes to her school.
He's kind of bumbling, kind of shy, but, um...
She can tell there's a lot more going on...
Up here. Ha ha. Ha.
He's from Indiana.
Really? I'm from Indiana.
OK.
Uh, all right, forget it. Let me start over.
[Kristin clears throat]
Shut up.
There's a girl who likes a guy.
Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
Josh: How do you do it?
Cooper: What?
You haven't been to a single class since you got here.
Come on, Josh, who cares?
I get it.
You're a millionaire.
You probably got a family business
to go into.
You know what my dad does for a living?
He cleans toilets.
Come on.
Ah, he owns this major toilet-cleaning company.
It's big. It's huge, actually.
And he is an incredible... Asshole.
I like to call him
flushles, the toilet-cleaning clown.
He loves that.
You think I'm gonna spend the rest of my life
cleaning toilets?
So, what are you gonna do?
I don't know, you know?
Everyone's so obsessed with the future. Who cares?
We should be thinking about now,
and right now we should be having fun.
Well, fun is a dead end, Cooper.
I mean, the guys who had fun in my high school
are working in bowling alleys
and drinking paint thinner on the weekends.
I got to stay on track.
OK, Josh, but you're missing out,
because college is our last chance to go crazy.
[Vomiting]
[Coughing]
Cooper: Yes!
She shoots! She scores!
Does anyone have a breath mint?
Rachel: Hey.
Kristin: Hey, guys.
So, um, I'm gonna walk back.
Um, do you wanna walk with me?
Yeah. Yeah?
Of course.
Great.
Bye.
That was fun.
I'm glad you came. You know... You know.
I don't know what it is that makes me love you so
well... Good night.
I only know I never wanna let you go
it's this way.
'Cause you started something
oh, can't you see
that ever since we met you've had a hold on me
it's this way.
It happens to be true
this is a really nice room.
I only wanna be with you
I probably should, uh...
Josh.
No matter, no matter what you do
Rachel: It's this way.
I only wanna be with you
oh, good morning.
Hi, Josh.
2, 3...
4, 5...
Young man. Where have you been?
Do you know I was up all night worried sick?
Do you know what time it is?
I love college.
I love everything about it.
The people...
The freedom...
This room...
This chair.
Look at this chair.
You had sex last night, didn't you?
That's a nice shirt.
Yeah.
It was so easy, Cooper.
I didn't have to do anything...
To make it happen.
It was just like... Time for sex.
We're gonna have sex now.
Prepare for sex.
And then we spent all night talking.
Jesus. You even talked, too?
She says I have soulful eyes.
Oh, yeah, you really do.
What was I thinking?
Spending all my time in the library.
[Rock music playing]
[Rock music continues]
I'm only sleeping
don't wake me, don't wake me
I'm only sleeping
don't call me, don't wake me
I'm only sleeping
papers, Josh.
[Professor's voice] Where are the papers?
The papers, Josh!
Huh?
Papers? Thank you. Thank you.
Papers?
Papers. Thank you.
Papers? Thank you.
Papers?
Thank you.
Papers, mister.
Wait just...
thank you!
Oh.
Hey, hey.
There you are.
Wow. Why the funky face?
Why? Because I'm sure I bombed my midterms, that's why.
Oh, well, at least you showed up for them.
I bet you they give you points for that.
You. You.
What?
You need to stay away from me.
You've been distracting me all semester,
and now I'm fucked.
Josh, is this about bad grades?
Bad grades are meaningless.
You know, they're like parking tickets.
I mean, they mean nothing.
Just laugh, because they're silly.
You know, they're silly little nothings.
I never failed anything in my life.
Stop right there.
I think you're turning into a really great guy.
And so what if your astrology professor
doesn't like you? Big shit.
I don't take astrology.
Biology, whatever.
Stay away from me, OK?
I got work to do.
[Clears throat]
[Whistles]
[Techno music blaring]
Hey!
[Music stops playing]
I can hear my heartbeat through my penis.
Get that out of your pants!
So, uh, Josh, uh,
what do you say we head down to the oktoberfest, huh?
[Knock on door]
Well, at least somebody wants to party.
Pop.
Come here.
Oh, I've heard so much about you.
What? Am I leaving?
Excuse us!
Dad.
[Laughs nervously]
It's me...
Hi.
Flushles, the toilet- cleaning clown! Ha ha!
You getting an education, huh, Coop?
You getting my money's worth?
'Cause you know what the Dean tells me?
He tells me that you haven't been in one class
in 2 months!
I don't think this counts as bonding, dad.
It's over, Cooper.
I keep buying your way into these schools,
and you keep screwing up.
If you don't pass all of your classes,
you're coming home with me,
and you're gonna work with me,
but not in the office.
In the field.
I'm gonna give you all the really disgusting jobs.
Hmm.
Cooper. Come on, talk to me.
What, Josh?
He's serious this time, all right? You heard him.
He's gonna pull me out of school.
And now I've got to pass all my classes.
I don't even know which ones I'm taking.
This is gonna drive me to drink.
No, Cooper.
No more drinks, no more bong hits.
There's only one thing that can save you now.
What, valium?
No. Studying.
You need to study.
What? You're insane.
What? It'll be fun.
We'll read our books together.
We'll make sure that we go to our classes.
We'll quiz each other. We'll be study buddies.
No. I don't do that. That's not me.
Well, I think it's time for a change.
Hey, you guys roommates?
Yeah. Yeah.
You ought to talk to Henry over there.
He went to daleman.
Cooper: That guy went to daleman?
Yeah. He's got a real good story for you.
Henry: You see, I had a roommate.
Poor prick. Killed himself.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
I found the body.
He slit his wrists. He swallowed some pills.
He put a bag over his head,
and he jumped from the bridge.
It was a mess.
That's terrible.
Drunk: Some people eat bugs. Ugh!
Right.
So what does this have to do with getting straight a's?
Everything. You see,
daleman has always had a problem with suicide.
Barman: You see...
It seems you college kids,
you have a real knack for going wacko.
They have a rule that if your roommate kills himself,
you get straight a's. Yeah, they do.
It's like a consolation prize.
Yeah, it relieves tension or something.
My intestines are over 2 miles long.
Is that true?
Drunk: Yeah, it's true.
No, no, no. The rules.
Mmm. Yes.
Yes.
Oh, OK, well, yeah, that makes sense.
You can't be expected to study
if you're grieving for your dead roommate.
I know I couldn't study if you died.
You can't study now.
So these rules, they got them written down somewhere?
Probably the library.
The "libarry," Josh.
You know where that is, don't you?
Take me to the "libarry."
This must be a great college
to have all these books.
Shh.
[Whispering] How are we gonna find that charter?
How are we gonna find our way out of here?
Will you grow up?
[Sighs]
Here it is.
Oh, you...
You found it.
Wow. The college charter.
I'm gonna go upstairs and study, so have fun.
Wait a minute. Aren't you even curious?
No. It's totally ridiculous.
Don't leave me down here alone.
Libraries give me the creeps.
Cooper: "Each student who..."
Hmm...
What the...
Holy shit!
J... listen.
Uh, "a student found to have died
"as a result of his own willful act will...
"Any other student residing in the same housing unit
"of said students shall be rewarded grades
"of the highest order
regardless of academic standing."
What the hell does this mean? Is this it?
That's it.
Oh, ho ho.
What are you doing?
Well, we've got to copy this.
For proof.
Cooper: Josh! Oh, hey, Josh!
Person: Shh!
Boy: Shut up!
Josh, where you going?
Look, Josh, I finished. I finished copying.
It wasn't really that hard.
Person: Shh!
Wow. Look at all these people.
Shh!
[Whispering] Right.
[Sighs]
I'm not gonna kill myself,
in case that's what you're wondering.
Come on. Be a sport.
I mean, you're fucked anyway.
At least this way,
one of us comes out on top.
Then you kill yourself.
No, I can't see that working.
Look, just forget it.
Josh, please. All I'm asking you to do...
I'm done helping you.
People: Shh! Quiet!
Josh, wait.
What about Kyle?
Who's Kyle?
Kyle, our other roommate.
The one from the catholic school.
He could kill himself. It's perfect.
Are you talking about murder, Cooper?
'Cause if you are, this conversation is over.
No, I am not talking about murder.
Well, I don't want to be part
of your stupid plan, so just drop it.
It's simple.
No, I mean it. Just shut the shit up.
Yeah, but all you...
aw. Ho ho ho.
Suicidal impulses come from feeling powerless
over one's problems.
So when someone calls daleman's hotline,
we make sure that the caller feels in control of the...
young man, would you please take a seat?
Now, the caller should be told
that suicide is never the answer.
Say there's someone really depressed...
could you raise your hand?
Well, yeah. OK.
Say there's someone really depressed,
but he might not actually kill himself.
Why don't I answer questions after the session?
What would push him over the edge?
Send him running for the razors?
Anything come to mind?
What?
Oh, hi, Josh. Come on in.
I got a note. You wanted to see me?
I just wanted to check up on you,
make sure your head's still above water.
Well, I don't know how well I did on my midterms.
I was distracted,
but I'm not gonna do anything but study from here on out.
Just remember you have to keep a "b" plus average
to keep your scholarship.
What?
You must keep a "b" plus average,
or they'll revoke your scholarship.
No, not my scholarship. I mean, they can't do that.
Do you understand? I need that scholarship.
Josh, there's no reason to get so worked up.
I mean, it's not as if you failed your midterms.
Hi, honey.
What?
Well, thank you, Shirley. You've been very helpful.
Yes, I'll let you know
if the doctor needs those files.
All right. Tell me, what...
hey!
That was rude.
Wow, Josh. You don't look so good.
Why should I look good?
These are my midterm scores.
And these are the scores
that I would need to get on my finals
in order to keep my scholarship.
And there's no mathematical way that I can get these scores.
I would need 4 "a" plus plus pluses.
I'm doomed!
What's this doing here?
Well, see, I...
Cooper, when I got here, I was on a track.
Do you know what a track is? Chalk.
A track is a beautiful, wonderful thing.
It's a goal. It's a track.
It's always moving forward on a track.
Well, I don't have a track.
I have nothing. I'm dead.
You're lookin' at a dead man.
Well, then you're in!
I mean, this is great.
Great?
Well, I'm just saying...
Cooper!
What's wrong with you?!
You take the cake!
Cooper! Do you know that Cooper? Uhh!
Ohh! Ohh.
You're OK. You're OK, huh?
Huh? Just shake it off.
Uhh.
Now, we have a way out,
and it's the best loophole ever,
and it's gonna save both of our asses,
so just mellow.
Here, put this on your nose.
Ah, Cooper.
No. My whole vision is right here...
On this blackboard.
In what language?
Well, my penmanship's kind of gone to shit,
but basically, here is Mr. z.
Who's Mr. z?
Mr. z is the most suicidal guy on campus.
Mr. z is the guy who's gonna kill himself
whether he lives with us or not,
so I figure, he might as well live with us
so his death won't be in vain.
Now, we find him at the mental health clinic,
he moves in, he kills himself,
and here's you keeping your scholarship,
and here's me saying, "flush off, flushles."
Ha ha ha ha.
Look, I have enough to deal with without you mind-fucking me.
No, Josh. I am not mind-fucking you, OK?
I am so dead serious. I am, like, in the zone.
Come on, Josh! Oh, Josh.
OK, the bottom line is
you work in the housing office.
I need you.
I can't do it without you,
so you might as well give it a go.
What have you got to lose?
Forget it, Cooper.
Your brain is permanently fried.
You need help. I would never in a bajillion years
follow you on some idiotic wild-goose chase! Never!
Say no more. I understand, OK?
Oh, by the way,
there's a message for you on the machine.
I think it's your mom.
[Beep]
Hi, joshie, it's mom.
You sounded so worried when I talked to you.
Listen, honey, you have nothing to worry about.
I mean, of course you'll do well in college.
You always surpass my expectations.
And I expect to see straight a's. OK? Bye.
Who is Mr. z again?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
There's one. There's another one.
Oh, yeah. Come on, baby.
Oh, come to daddy.
Oh, I gotcha. I gotcha. Daddy's gotcha.
Josh, you're not saying anything.
Yay. Yippee.
Come on, this is gonna be easy.
Once we find out who these guys are,
we'll steal their files, and we'll figure out
which one's the most suicidal of them all.
Oh, yeah. This guy looks really depressed.
Yeah. This guy looks troubled.
Cooper? Josh, is that you?
Hoo!
What are you guys doing?
Can we have some privacy, please?
Yeah, you got it.
Yeah.
Oh.
Wow, that was close.
Cooper, they probably think that we're making out back here.
I know. They're totally in the dark.
Josh: Ooh!
Cooper: Josh!
Josh: Where we going?
Josh: This is insanity.
We're gonna get kicked out of school
before we ever flunk out.
How we gonna figure out who's really nutso
and who's just having a bad week?
Here, take this rope, hook me up.
Now, remember, your code name is dinah.
What's yours?
Panther.
Why do you get to be panther?
Huh?
Jimmy.
Ohh. Uhh! Aah!
Oh, please.
Uhh! Uhh!
A little help here.
Yeah, sure.
Now, I'm gonna wrap this rope
around this pipe for leverage.
I'm risking my life for you. Remember that.
I'm lowering you 12 feet into an office.
I'm not even sure we need rope.
OK, keep it slow.
That's good. That's great.
Keep it right there. That's perfect.
OK, you're doing good, dinah.
Slow and steady, dinah.
Josh: Yeah.
Slow and steady.
Dinah! Slow and steady!
That's good, dinah.
Slow and steady.
Whoa! Slow! Dinah!
Slow!
I'm in.
Entering north corridor.
Over.
Be careful.
Dinah, I have reached the file room.
I'm not dinah anymore. I'm cobra.
Whatever.
Jesus Christ! I'm lost!
I need directions. Where do I go?
I'm on it, I'm on it.
All right. Here it is.
Go right. No, no, no.
Go left into the middle aisle past the numbered section.
Dinah, I think I see it.
Dinah, I found it, I found the file cabinet.
Uhh! It's locked. I'll use my Jimmy.
Uhh! Where's my Jimmy?
I got your Jimmy right here.
I need my Jimmy.
No, Jimmy. Repeat, no Jimmy.
Uhh! Ohh!
Come on!
Ohh! Got it!
[Dispatch radio]
Josh: Holy moley!
Abort. Abort.
Dinah, repeat. You're breaking up.
The security guards are here. You got to get out of there.
Oh, shit!
Hey, you!
[Whimpers]
Hold it!
Ohh!
Aah!
Get me the fuck out of here. Where do I go?
South hallway! Get out of there!
Dinah, save yourself!
Whoa!
Whoa! Uhh!
I'm out.
[Distant siren]
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
We were so Van damme! Come on, say it with me.
Van damme!
Both: Van damme!
Van damme!
All right, now it's pathetic.
One of these guys is our lucky Mr. z.
Let's get busy.
We're really doing this, Cooper.
I know. We're so motivated.
Hello.
Professor durkheim?
What can I do for you?
Hi. I'm Josh Miller.
Come in, come in. Sit down.
Are you one of my students?
No, no. I, uh, I was just in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd pop in.
Nobody just pops into the psych department.
No, they don't.
You seem nervous, Mr. Miller.
Nervous? Me?
No. Just had a question.
Um, I don't know how to put this.
If, um, somebody was really depressed
and contemplating suicide...
Is this a personal question?
Oh, no.
No, no.
I'm just curious.
Hmm.
Why don't you tell me about yourself, Josh?
Where you from?
Rachel: Hey, Josh.
Hey, stranger, where have you been?
I thought you died or something.
Died? No, no, no. Nobody died.
Oh, good, good.
Um, so, here it is.
What is it?
It's my short story. You said you wanted to read it
when I was done, and I'm done, so...
Oh, yeah, that's great.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have
a shorter short story, would you?
Josh!
Hey, Josh!
What?
We need to make some decisions right now.
Hey, Rachel.
Hey, Cooper.
In a minute.
No, right now.
Don't make me come down there.
I got to go, but I want to see you.
You know, I think about you...
All the time.
Well, we'll hang out sometime. Will you call me?
Oh, yeah.
OK.
Josh!
I'll see you.
All right.
Would you hurry up? Where have you been?
Look, I borrowed these books from the library.
They actually let you do that. Here.
What did your professor say?
Oh. Not much. He thinks I'm suicidal.
We have to choose our Mr. z right now,
and this guy... he is it, man.
Cliff O'Malley.
Look at those close-set eyes,
and that's drool. That is definitely drool.
I don't know. I like these guys.
Listen to this.
"Patient has an intense death wish.
Set bed on fire, reckless, alcoholic, psychotic."
He's perfect. He's... he's...
he's you.
You're gonna thank me
when we find his dead body in our room.
He's kind of spooky, Cooper.
Ha ha. I'll tell you what spooky is.
Spooky is no more college. That's spooky.
Compared to that, that guy's Mr. bunny foo foo.
Kappa omega rules, baby!
Hey, Jeff, who am I, buddy?
I'm your sister! Ha!
Look out!
Oww!
OK, this is it, guys.
This is the big one.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
Whoo hoo!
[Loud hard rock music playing]
Whoo!
Hey, Jeff, get a load of this, buddy!
Kappa omega!
Hey, boys!
You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Josh, we have 3 weeks till finals.
He's our only hope.
And he wants to die.
Why can't he die in our room with his new best friends?
Cliff: Aah!
Help! Help!
Cliff: Oww! Oh, my god!
[Knocks on door]
Cliff?
Cliff O'Malley?
Cliff: Help me!
Look out below!
[Girl screams]
Hey, cliff!
What, did you get hit, man?
Chill out, it's just water.
No, we just came here to talk to you.
Ah... Good.
I'm sick of the goddamn whiners at this school.
[Music stops playing]
Sit.
My god, I'm living in a frat house,
and these fuckers wanna kick me out
for not observing quiet hours?
Well, they can just suck my quiet cock!
You know, cliff, we like to party.
I mean, we party all the time, right, Josh?
Yeah, yeah. We party hard.
Really? I got some beers.
Let's drink 'em, huh?
Hey.
That one's not beer.
[Belches]
Quick, man, kick me in the junk.
Come on, man, kick me in the junk!
God... Damn, that's a rush!
Ohh!
My name is cliff
brother of Joe
I got me some crack
I want me some hos!
Let me hear you say yeah
yeah.
Let me hear you say yeah!
Both: Yeah.
Let me hear you say yeah!
I just remembered. I got to be somewhere.
No. Sit down, Josh.
Now, did you say that they're trying
to kick you out of here?
Because actually we have an open room where we live.
You know what? I got to see Rachel.
Hey! You guys ever get horny?
Well, it depends on where you're going with this.
'Cause I do, man. I get these urges sometimes.
I gotta hump this lamp!
I gotta screw this couch!
Uhh uhh uhh uhh uhh!
Uhh!
Hey!
You guys know any chicks who like to party?
Josh does. He's heading over
to a chick's room right now.
Why don't we all go?
[Flapping tongue]
Yo, Parker! Your ass is grass, man.
Hey, krauss, you wanna party, huh?
Say hello to my new buddies, boys!
Hey, any of you women wanna party or what?
Ohh. Ahh.
[Coughs]
Which one of these chicks is for me?
What?
Which one of these chicks is for me?
Oh. I don't know.
Cliff, actually, I think they're all lesbians.
Lesbians!
You guys are fucking cool, man.
Hey, lesbos, how's it hangin'?
Nice room.
Wow.
Which one of you painted this picture?
I... i did?
Ohh. It's so smooth.
Hey. Who wants to do a bong hit?
How about...
You!
[Gasps]
[Flapping tongue]
Here, I'll light it.
That's OK.
I said I'll light it!
OK.
I'm a gentleman.
Fire! Fire!
Aah! Aah!
Ooh! Ooh!
Whoa!
Rachel: Oh, my god, she's on fire!
Hey! Look out of the way! I got it!
Move out of the way!
No! No!
Get off me! Get off me!
She's burning!
Goddamn it!
[Groans]
Uh...
I guess a blow job's out of the question.
[Chuckles]
This is your idea of hanging out?
Where did you find this guy?
What? You don't like him?
Ha. No. Josh, he set Lucy's hair on fire.
He's psychotic.
Well, he's an acquired taste.
Hey, get him out of here.
You know, I don't get it.
'Cause whenever I'm on fire,
I remember to stop, drop, and roll.
You don't just stand there screaming like some chick!
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
I think I really screwed up in there with Rachel.
Hey, screw those chicks, man.
You know what we ought to do?
We ought to go into town
and get us a couple of hookers, huh?
I know just the hooker, too. Her name's Carl.
She's beautiful, man.
I'm driving.
Let's go.
Come on!
Cliff: Whoo hoo!
Going to find Carl, going to find Carl.
You know, I really shouldn't be driving.
My license was revoked.
Cooper: Really?
For what?
Attempted vehicular manslaughter.
That's good.
Whatever the fuck that means.
Whoo!
[Horn honks]
Whoo hoo!
I love that!
Nothing like a good game of chicken, boys!
Ha ha.
Whoo!
Why are we stopped?
Yeah, why are we stopping?
Josh, would you be so kind as to ask the officer
where I-95 is?
Cooper: Josh.
Yeah, sure.
Excuse me, sir?
We were just wondering if you could inform us...
hey. Do I smell a pig?
Dude, what are you doing?
Hey, pig! [Snorting]
Cooper: That's enough.
Hey, little piggies!
Cooper: What are you, crazy?
All right, piggies!
Josh: Ohh!
No! No!
Cooper: Aah!
Hey, have you ever been in a high-speed chase before?
It's intense!
[Siren]
Bring it on, bacon!
Oh, cliff!
Wait! I got a damn good idea.
[Opens glove compartment]
They hate it when you do this.
Cooper: That's a gun. That's a gun!
Oww!
Come on, copper!
Hey, guys, I think we're losing them!
[Gunfire]
Hey, guys!
Cliff: You goddamn pussies!
Ooh! Ohh!
[Moans]
You OK?
This is the last time I listen to you.
What?
Josh: Where the hell are we?
It's no big deal.
We'll just hitchhike our way back to campus.
Josh, stick out your thumb, or they won't see you.
Got the puck.
Come on, come on.
Yeah!
Hit me! Hit me!
I'm open!
Yeah!
Oh.
Fellas, what's happening?
How's it going?
All right.
I think they're having a little lovers quarrel.
What are you talking about?
We saw them making out in the bushes the other day.
Bullshit.
Josh: Look, neither of us
have ever done anything like this before,
so if we're gonna go through with it,
I want us to be safe!
Cooper: Well, fine.
I just thought you and I were tight back there.
Just don't ever pull out on me again.
I pulled out because I don't think you know
what you're doing!
I'm taking over from here.
You know, Josh, you are so anal!
Here's our man. Buckley schrank.
He's paranoid, delusional, suicidal urges,
attempted to give himself a lobotomy.
Yeah, but...
no, don't but me. He's my guy. He's great.
We've got 2 weeks to move him in and push him over the edge.
Let's at least check him out first.
Fine.
[Keyboard clicking]
Yaah!
Hey, man. What are you working on?
Nothing. Stuff. Why?
Looks interesting.
It's not.
You like computers?
No. Uh, maybe. Why?
You a computer science major?
No. I don't understand.
Who are you?
Josh. Cooper.
Going... To lunch.
I got a class.
Coming through. Excuse me. Bye-bye.
Ha ha! Take care. Time is money.
I'm a busy beaver. Very busy beaver.
Aah!
All right. OK.
Stand back. Stand back.
Nothing to see here. Get out of my way!
Buckley: Move it!
Girl: Hi, guys.
[Sighs]
Thought you said you had a class.
No, it's just...
Cooper: You lied to us.
Watch out! Watch out!
People on this campus are trying to kill me.
What?
My cousin Virgil is making bombs...
are you finished?
No. No. No, I'm not.
No, thank you. No!
Bring it on!
It's OK, it's OK.
What's in here, strychnine?
You see what I mean?
My therapist says I'm paranoid.
I... i got proof.
He's been co-opted.
The soil is not clean, and don't think I'm wrong.
Heads up! Heads up! Look out!
Dirty soil! Dirty! Dirty!
My guy.
My guy. Yep.
We're gonna move him in today.
[Walking in the dark playing]
Hey!
Who is it?
It's Cooper.
Remember me?
Yeah. I'm busy, so go away.
Let me in before they see me.
Before who sees you?
I think I'm being followed.
You are being followed.
Oh, god. Come on!
What's going on? Are you in some trouble?
Listen, Kurt cobain didn't kill himself.
You understand? He's not even dead.
He and Vince foster are living near mount St. helens.
You're kidding. Why?
It's not their idea. They're being blackmailed into it.
But the man responsible is so rich,
so powerful, he'll stop at nothing
to make sure this stays suppressed.
What's his name?
I can't tell you that!
Bill Gates.
Bill Gates? What does he want from you?
My brain. He's already got half of it.
I fell asleep at Newark airport,
and now I'm this close to taking my own life
so I can stop the apocalypse.
Well, sure, yeah. That makes sense to me.
You need to get out of here.
We have an empty room in our dorm.
They'll never find you in there.
Oh, god. Thanks, brother.
Sure, brother.
[Sniffs]
I think they may be spraying this building
with chemicals.
[Sniff sniff]
Neutrino beams.
They're trying to attract my brain cells magnetically.
Aah!
Rachel: Excuse me, sir? Could you...
Josh, is that you?
Oh!
Uh, excuse me! Look out!
OK...
Josh: Well, if you need anything,
we'll be right in here.
And later, you may even want to try the chair.
I knew my guy was gonna work.
Was I right?
I gotta hand it to you. He's good.
Of course he's good. He's the best. He's my guy.
I love my guy.
This is turning out pretty good.
Not that you picked a bad guy.
He just turned out to be a complete maniac.
Talk about missing links.
Probably scientists out looking for him right now.
Dudes!
Aah!
Guys, you gotta help me out. The cops are after me.
I mean, I was just out driving along,
they pulled me over, I was minding my own business...
I need a place to crash.
Hey...
This room's decent.
Yeah! This is gonna be sweet!
Unh!
Hey... A math award.
I knew you guys were smart
when you bailed out of the car.
I didn't want to jump, but Josh, he was...
hey!
Look. I took a bullet wound for you.
.38 at close range, huh? How does it look?
Uh, it's a little red.
[Laughs]
[Knock on door]
The cops!
Shh!
[Whispering] I'm not here.
Come on.
Aah!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Shh. What?
Hey, can I use the bathroom?
In a minute.
Yow! Thanks.
Cliff, gotta hide.
Yeah. In the closet!
Closet?
Oh! Door!
Come on, let's go.
Wow. Big closet.
Josh! Cooper!
Guys!
Hey!
You need some help?
No!
Cliff. Zeke!
Cliff O'Malley.
I haven't seen you since high school.
I thought you were dead!
No. This close, though.
[Stammering] How you been?
Good. Got shot.
Oh, god!
Wait!
You ever get horny?
[Stammering]
Great! I know this chick named Carla,
and she's beautiful, man. You want to meet her?
Come on!
You're gonna love this chick, I swear to god!
You like to drink?
Your guy. My guy.
You see the difference?
[Knocks] Hey, there.
What do you want?
Listen, Cooper told me about the whole conspiracy thing.
Oh, fart! Now you're in danger.
You know, when I get stressed out,
I call the suicide hot line.
[Ring]
Suicide hot line.
Hi. Um, I think I'm having a panic attack.
What seems to be the problem?
You see, it's hard to explain,
but I'm very frightened.
You... Should be.
Who is this?
It's me, Buckley. Bill.
Yeah. Bill Gates.
No! No, god! Please!
What do you want from me?
Your brain, Buckley. Your brain!
Well, you'll have to come and get it!
Buckley: Then they'll be freaks!
Cooper: How is he?
Who? My guy? My guy is freaking out.
My guy won't come out of his room.
My guy is going to kill himself.
How many times are you gonna remind me he's your guy?
My guy, my guy, my guy. I guess 3 times.
Buckley: You can do it. Oh, god! Oh, no!
Oh, my fucking god!
Cooper: Great.
Oh, hey! Oh, hey, what's up, Rachel?
What are you doing?
I just came by to see what you thought of my story
'cause I gotta turn it in tomorrow.
Oh, yeah. It was great.
I was telling Cooper all about it.
How did I put it, Coop?
Uh, you... you said it was fucking hilarious.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Hilarious.
It wasn't supposed to be funny. Were you laughing at it?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
The truth is actually, Rachel, I didn't read it yet.
What is your deal, Josh?
We make plans to hang out,
you bring some psycho by my room
who sets Lucy's hair on fire
and then I never hear from you again.
I'm sorry, Rachel. I've been really busy,
and I'm kind of in the middle of...
know what? You're acting like a real jerk,
so I'll just see you later.
Rachel, wait!
Would it have been so hard to read that story, Josh?
What's all this?
Well, the pamphlets say it's crucial
to keep all instruments of self-destruction
away from the suicidal person,
so I ran out and bought all this stuff.
Shh! Did you hear that? Take this rope.
What do I do with it?
Tie it in a noose.
I don't know how.
[Sighs]
[Urinating]
Oh, ho.
Oh, that's priceless.
Oh, that's good.
We're the Hardy boys from hell.
Shh.
Josh: [Whispering] Shh! Cut it out.
Konnichi wa!
Hey, Buckley.
What's with the knife? Aah!
We can explain!
Call 911! Call 911!
I thought you guys were my friends!
Get back!
Buckley.
You're in on it?
You're with Bill Gates?
No. No. We're your friends.
We like you.
Oh, my god!
You're trying to kill me. This is great!
Josh: No. Of course, not.
Yes! It's the suit!
This is really happening!
It's not in my head!
Dude, those guys are freaks!
Aah! I'm gonna tell everyone and you'll never get laid!
Whoo! Yes! I'm not crazy!
It's happening! Get all your gear and follow me!
Ha ha! I'm not crazy!
Well, so much for your guy.
Look at all these happy people studying.
I hate them.
Finals are in a week and we're doomed.
Oh, god. Oh, look, there's my advisor.
She's talking to that psych professor.
They're probably trying to kick me out.
What was I thinking listening to you?
Josh, you know what we need to do?
Get stoned.
All my great ideas come to me
when I'm baked out of my skull.
When have you had a great idea, huh?
It's over. I'm out. You're driving me crazy.
Where are you going?
I'm going somewhere I'll never run into you. Class.
[Siren]
Girl: Hurry up! Over here.
Boy: Right there, man.
Girl: Somebody's in trouble.
What happened?
He was throwing water balloons out that window
and then he just fell.
Excuse me. Oh, no.
He's dead!
[Gasping]
Come here. Come here.
Oh, my god, what a tragedy.
I know. We were so close.
Cooper, jeez.
Poor guy. I mean, he was such a... Freak.
Wait! Hey, he's breathing. He's alive.
Ohh. Where do you guys get this shit?
Do you know what this means?
This means we were on the right track.
We can't give up now, one week before finals.
I got one more guy.
We get him to open up a vein, and we're golden.
Here he is. Matt noonan.
Depressive, death fixation, constant threats of suicide.
OK, no dick-smacking around. Let's get him in the room
and send him on his way to the netherworld.
Josh: Here he comes!
Here he comes! Sit!
Hey! Hey!
You must be our new roommate.
Need any help moving in your stuff?
[British accent] I'm wearing my stuff.
Oh.
[Playing guitar]
My words are my sperm
spewing forth my...
[knock on door]
Well, what the fuck do you two want?
Are you a musician?
Are you in a band?
Kiss my ass.
What? What?
That's the name of the bleedin' band.
Oh. You're gonna play
the big pre-finals party, right?
Yeah.
That's right. If I'm still around.
What do you mean?
And who the fuck are you? Fucking Kurt loder?
Can you piss off and shut my fucking door?
Oh.
Piss off!
Oh, piss off. Come on.
What the hell does "piss off" mean?
1, 2, 3, 4.
My words are my sperm
spewing forth my tragic germ
I'm Mr. pariah, a sad Messiah...
stop!
Please, guys, come on!
Matt, that was bitchin', man.
Practice is over because this music is crap.
It's total crap.
Well, want to get something to eat?
No. I'm not hungry. You can piss off.
Go. Thank you. Lovely.
Thank you for coming. Lovely. Off you go.
[Clapping]
Good one.
Yeah, you guys really rock.
Really? Maybe someday I'll be fortunate enough
to entertain millions of suburban teeny-boppers.
Make music videos!
Won't that be "groovy"?
Fuck it all.
TV: Ha ha! That's what I thought you said!
[Cartoon noises]
TV: Don't worry. That'll come out with club soda.
[Laughter]
Ooh! Ouch! Call a doctor.
I don't think he knew it was coming.
[Laughter]
We'll be right back after this.
[Matt chuckling]
[Cartoon noises]
Ahem.
What the hell?
Were you just watching TV?
No!
I heard you laughing.
Laughing?
Yeah. I'm a real big laugher. Piss off!
Josh! Josh!
Josh! Wake up!
What is it?
I'm worried.
I don't think this guy's who we think he is.
What? Didn't you hear what he said before?
"If I'm still around."
That means he might not be around.
Around meaning "alive." He might not be alive.
But I don't think he's that depressed.
This guy has what it takes, Cooper.
You know, I'm this close to letting you get your own guy.
What are you doing?
I need a breath of fresh air.
[Inhales deeply]
That's enough air. I need my bong.
No. We have 3 days. You need to focus.
Gimme that.
Are you insane?!
Hey! Stay back!
What?
No more distractions!
No more drinks! No more bong hits!
Come on, you idiot!
This is for you, Cooper!
Unh!
I'm doing this for you!
No, Josh, no!
Why?
It's the only way.
I say we murder him.
[Knock on door]
Hey. Hello.
Hey, man.
Do you mind if I come in?
No. Come on in.
Thank you.
Cooper: How are you feeling?
I feel like crap.
Feels like crap.
I've been having these creepy dreams lately.
Kiss my ass played the pre-finals party,
and then afterward, I put a gun in my mouth...
And I pulled the trigger.
Bam!
It's so really real.
If it's so really real,
I don't think you'd get that second shot off.
No, I suppose not.
I think I heard a cry for help.
Didn't you?
Well... I guess I did.
All right then.
It's a beautiful day!
Yes! Yes! I'm getting straight-as!
See you at the party!
And, professor! Professor, you're the best!
Hey, guys. Hey!
Ooh! Ooh! Yeah!
Pizza! How is he?
He's been in his room all day.
I have a really good feeling about this.
Maybe he's dead already.
Hey. What are you guys up to?
Nothing. Nothing.
In the afterlife
you could be headed for the serious strife
now you make the scene all day
but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay
bathroom.
In the afterlife
you could be headed for the serious strife...
Now, remember, if he's hanging from his noose,
try to act surprised.
Jesus Christ almighty.
We're just checking up on you.
Heard you guys were a couple of perverts.
[Band playing]
This last one is calledsperm.
My words are my sperm
spewing forth my tragic germ
I'm dying to kiss you
I soil the tissue
I'll be right back. Keep on eye on him.
And everything's swell
suicide's free
nearing the end
suicide's free
nearing the end
he's so intense.
Enjoy him while you still can.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nearing the
end.
[Glass breaks]
[Applause]
That was amazing.
Fully. I loved it.
Whatever.
I liked that.
Yeah.
Lucy, your wig.
What good is sitting alone in your room?
?? Come hear the music play
life is a cabaret... oh, fuck me!
What were you doing?
What? Nothing!
Don't tell me nothing! You were singing a showtune!
You're crazy. I'd never do that.
You can't be suicidal if you're singing showtunes!
What?! I am suicidal!
You're not even depressed!
Of course I'm depressed! Look at me!
I'm very fucking depressed!
You fucking poser!
[Loses accent] Hey, man, I am not... oh!
You're not even British!
Mmm!
Oh, god! He's not even British!
[Music blaring]
Excuse me.
Could I talk to her for a second?
It's OK. Please?
I've been flaking out on you, and I'm sorry.
I'm not interested in your excuses.
Did you think I'd wait around till you found time for me?
Wait! Rachel, Cooper and I...
no, Josh, I liked you. I really did.
I thought you were a really great guy.
I was just wrong.
No. You weren't wrong.
I really like you, and I'm a great guy.
Buckley: People! I have a red alert!
Attention! This is an evil man!
He can't be trusted. He's got files on everybody.
He's trying to create a one-world government.
He's bad news, baby.
If you see that guy, kick him in the balls!
Hey, Josh! Josh!
I ran back to the room and got Matt's yearbook.
Here's Marilyn manson in high school.
I'm gonna fucking kill him.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, fellas.
What's going on?
What's wrong?
Long story.
You guys, I know what's going on.
You do?
You're having relationship problems.
No, it's more complicated than that.
I got you. I'm real tight with my uncle.
He's gay like you guys.
I just want you to know I am cool with it.
We all are.
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah.
It's cool.
Well, looks like I'm a gay toilet cleaner.
Guess I'll go home and pack.
Sorry about your bong.
Ah, it's OK.
Josh: Cheer up, man. Let's go to pickle's.
I'll use his blender, make us some drinks.
Pina colada? Mai tai?
Margarita.
Margarita it is.
[Knocking]
Hey, pickle, mind if we make ourselves some margaritas?
Um, no, go ahead. It's in the blender.
Thanks.
Ahh, I'm gonna miss college.
Yeah, me, too.
We had fun, didn't we?
Yeah, we did.
I was gonna end up being a toilet cleaner anyway.
What am igonna do now?
Well...
You can come work with me and flushles.
You can be third in the shit-cleaning command.
Hmm. What is this?
"Good-bye. Can't take it.
I'm sorry"?
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Shit!
What? What?
He's committed suicide.
I didn't even know he was depressed.
Don't you see? This is the hand of god here.
It's what I've prayed for. This is a miracle.
Pickle... Dead. We've got to move fast.
Go to housing. File the paperwork.
Just get the files worked out. Go on, Josh, please!
It's what we've been working for! We're set!
What the hell is going on?!
I live here! Who are you?
What? Kyle!
No, no, no. They moved you out.
Sorry, buddy, they moved somebody else in
so... Sayonara.
[Knocking]
Who is it?
Where are my posters
and who are those 2 people fucking in my room?!
There's people fucking in your room?
Matt: Oh, shit! Come on!
Those guys.
They threw your stuff out
and said to tell you to go fuck yourself.
Kelly...
Could you wait out here for a couple seconds?
I gotta... Thanks, baby.
Get the hell outta here!
Matt: You can't kick me out. This is my room.
Cooper, tell him I'm your roommate.
My roommate is a depressive rock star.
You are a candy ass, showtune-singing cheerleader.
You're dead.
Matt: That's my guitar!
Off we go. Lovely. Lovely.
[Guitar smashes]
[Scuffling]
Come on, pickle. Come on. Throw up for me.
Josh, what are you doing?
Come on. Let's get those pills up.
[Pickle coughs]
Medic: Coming through. Watch it.
Cooper: What the hell?
Cooper, he was alive. I couldn't let him die.
This is what we've been working for, Josh.
This was our loophole.
Don't you have enough brains to recognize a loophole?
The only loophole I ever recognized
was you got a rich daddy who buys your way through life.
Oh! Oh! Congratulations, buddy.
Now you can go back to Indiana and spend
the rest of your life in a bowling ally.
What are you saying?
People who make it in this world have guts.
Obviously you don't have any.
Mama gripped onto the milkman's hand
and then she finally gave birth
years go by, and still I don't know
who shall inherit this earth
and no one will know my name
until it's on a stone
whoa-oa-oa
this could be our...
Hank: Dude, there's some guy out on the bridge!
It's that guy Josh!
Boy: Josh is on the bridge! He's gonna jump!
[Siren]
Slow down! Slow down!
Get a light up there!
Cooper: Josh!
Josh, what the hell are you doing up there?
What do you think?
I'm just looking for a way out.
Seriously, come down.
What's the point? My life's over.
Why? Because you're off your track?
Oh, come on, Josh. Who cares?
That's so fucking stupid. Are you an idiot?
No! Shh!
Cooper: Look, I understand.
Maybe you were on the wrong track, Josh,
but it's OK, because now you can figure out
what you're really supposed to do.
What? Become a total failure?
No. No.
You know...
I should be the one up there.
My father's right. I'm a fuckup.
I'm a total fuckup.
You're on this little holiday in fuckupland,
but I live here permanently!
Josh, I messed up.
I messed everything up.
You just did the right thing and that took guts.
More guts than I have.
You're my best friend.
So, please, just step back from the ledge.
[Crowd murmuring]
[Applause]
You're gonna be OK, man.
You think they bought it?
Bought what?
That I'm suicidal.
Wh-what?
Well, I don't think they'll throw somebody suicidal
out of school, do you?
No. No, of course not.
You magnificent bastard.
I can't believe you made me say all that stuff.
Think how proud your dad's gonna be
when he finds out you're a hero.
You are a genius.
[Crowd clapping]
Oh, they make such a cute couple.
Huh?
Josh: If there's one thing I learned in college,
it's things don't always turn out like you plan.
The school bent the rules a little
and gave me another semester to raise my grades.
I was about 13...
But I had to spend 6 months
in intensive therapy with professor durkheim,
and I learned I liked psychology more than medicine
so I changed my major.
Bye, Bob.
Cooper's dad was so proud
he paid for him to stay in school for another year.
He still had to spend vacations working at the company
and he says, if you're stoned enough,
scrubbing toilets can be a zen-like experience.
During the school year, he also got a job
working at the suicide hot line.
The mezzanine?
Can I even see the band from there?
How much are they?
150 bucks?! Are you insane?!
What?! Oh, drop dead!
Josh: Rachel and I got back together.
She likes having a boyfriend who's unstable
because it gives her inspiration for her creative writing.
Buckley eventually left daleman and was arrested
for the attempted assassination of Bill Gates.
I'll be back! Count on it!
Kelly broke up with Kyle
and he spent the rest of the semester in confession.
Kyle: Father, I had my way with myself
in the freshman Facebook.
I've just been, like... [Spits]
Jacking off to this thing, for, like, 3 weeks.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, little Kyle!
[Upbeat] My words are my sperm
his words are his sperm
Josh: Matt and his band got famous,
and his album went straight to the top of the charts.
He even got interviewed on mtv
by his hero Kurt loder.
Pickle recovered and moved in with us.
We felt sorry for him,
plus we figured if he ever got really depressed again,
well, we might as well cover our bases,
if you know what I mean.
As for cliff, cliff was aboard a party cruise
that tragically caught on fire and capsized.
He refused to abandon ship, and his body was lost at sea.
Cooper seemed to take it harder than any of us.
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Buddy! Come on down!
No! Aah!
Hey! Ow!
God! You're kneeling on my junk!
Aah! Aah!
He's on me! He's alive!
No. It was just a bad dream.
Fellas!
Aah! Aah!
Now, that was a fucking boat ride!
An adventure like that makes me frickin' horny.
[Whimpering]
In the afterlife
you will be headed for the serious strife
now you make the scene all day
but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay
in the afterlife
you will be headed for the serious strife
now you make the scene all day
but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay
people, listen attentively
I mean, about future calamity
I used to think the idea was obsolete
until I heard the old man tapping his feet
now the "d" and the "a" and the "m" and the "n"
and the "a" and the "t" and the "I-o-n"
lose your face, lose your name
then get fitted for a two-tone flame
"d" and the "a" and the "m" and the "n"
and the "a" and the "t" and the "I-o-n"
lose your face, lose your name
then get fitted for a two-tone fla-a-ame
[new song begins]
A dusty house
through my dirty clothes??
Seated in a town
on the verge of extinction
strumming up the tune
alone, I compose
a bittersweet ditty about an ex-girlfriend
so fuck her
and her painful memories??
Why tear out my heart
for all the world to see?
Why not give our love
a catchy melody?
Burning up the charts
sweet simplicity
we'll do it in the end
gotta get away
maybe we should stay
seated in a town
on the verge of explosion
New York and L.A.
No one listening anyway? ?
Busy predicting
the next big hit
so fuck that
get a change of scenery
I'll pack up the car
and move to California
find a better girlfriend
and a catchy melody
playing all the cards
happy Harmony
[new song begins]
Sweet, sweet love
and my blistered feet
it ain't easy
come away
I was feeling fine
I'm the water's friend
I could stay here
for the day
we can stay here now
like anyone, can't you?? ?
We can stay here now
'cause here it comes
here it comes
it's a music show...
In a distant sound...
Aaah!
Holy cow! He's on fire!
A little help here!
Pillows!
Oh!
What happened? It's cliff.
Zeke!
Aah!
Come on, man! We weren't done!
No! Let's go.
Come on! Enough is enough!
He's mine, fellas! Come on!
Zeke: Oh, god! Aah!